So this is a new experience… but I feel the need to express myself so here it goes.
At this stage in life most people are generally stable, founded, solid, know where they are going and what they want? They are rooted deeply somewhere.. Like a dear friend has said, she knows who she is, roots are important. They allow for one to grow and become stronger. They allow for one to develop and become, for lack of a better word, better! In all of the twenty-six years of living I have found that I have not been one to want those roots. I have wanted to be free and move and search the world and find NEW things.. Roots to me were most definitely not important. Alas, yet again, I am wrong. Tsomething I am quickly discovering about myself… I am wrong quite often..
What I have found is that my desire for constant change and movement was more of a desire to run. There are and most definitely were so many battles here that made it so difficult to just stay. The little bit of roots that I had planted seemed to be damaged and struggling. They could not find good soil. So, that being said I wanted to plant them somehwere else. The only problem was that with each planting I still was not able to find good soil….
Well, skipping over a large amount of changes, moves, test, trials, sins, shames, and burdens….. I am now working at a church. I am the music minister there and have been so abundantly blessed by having a pastor on whom I can call. A pastor who will mentor me and disciple me. In these times of mentoring and disciple I am learning some great things.. My most recent revelation is this…. there was nothing wrong with the places or the soil… the problem was with the caretaker of that soil….
Follow me just for a moment…. God had prepared my heart and my life for some great things.. He was constantly working in me to help me to grow and change… The people around me, most of whom I was steadily pushing away, were trying to support and uplift me… I however was not caring for myself and heeding what was trying to be done. I was die hard running in a different direction. I was allowing hurt, pain, and anger to block the light of God’s love… I was trapped in a deep darkness, a heaviness.. Not being one who speaks in fluent plant, earthy, crunchy talk, I can not say with 100% of certainty, but I am pretty sure nothing can grow in complete darkness.. I was holding so tightly to all of those pasts that I was not able to press through any soil at all. Thus I became weaker and slowly began to die….
Well, PRAISE GOD HE restores and does not throw away. He is working… and I am finally able to see some hints of GROWTH. How faithful HE is even when we are not! I am so sad for the time that I have not given to HIM and for the lack of ability to let him prune and grow me… I pray for forgiveness and joyfully receive it!!!
Jeremiah 29:11
